Dencher Decay

Don't think that space somehow makes me immune to the complications of tooth decay.

I postulated recently the possibility that humans could lose the ability to care for teeth. Since contemplating the demise of the practice of dentistry, I have had a difficult time pondering anything else.

Even though humans capacity for caring for teeth would be obliterated, humans would still need teeth... obviously to chew and eat. Because dentists could no longer practice taking care of teeth-that does not thereby mean simultaneously that those humans can also no longer eat.

So then, a mad dash for all the existing denchers would ensue. It would be like when someone dies in prison and all the prisoners become rabid and delirious and struggle and fight for the remains off the dead body. Like that, but for things that help people chew food.

I've said before that I'm alone up here, and that's the way I want it. But on occasion, I'll confess that periodically I've abducted dentists and hypnotize them to perform my bi-annual cleaning and polishing procedures. It's tricky because of the helmet and the breathing and the
atmosphere and the lack of oxygen. But if I don't, how else will I ensure that my teeth stay healthy and strong enough to tear the sweet flesh off the raccoons I shoot with my wicked awesome space gun? Those raccoons are savage and require a strong set of enamel! They fly around on their tiny asteroids and taunt me... laughing and hissing alternately.

Beware of Beeps

What if very bad people that hate campers came up with a virus that made humans allergic to wood. It wouldn't be deadly, just make them uncomfortable enough that they wouldn't want to come into contact with wood because it would make them very sick, or depressed, or gassy or something of that nature, and the cure would be something simple like taking a shower, but not a shower in anything other than a house shower. The cure wouldn't be obvious, so people would go to a doctor and the doctor would simply recommend a shower, but due to their skepticism they wouldn't believe and continue to suffer.

You would come up with a name for them like Beeps, b for bears and eep for peep and then s for plural, because these people would be attacking other people like hungry bears, not the people who got the virus, the people who distribute the virus. Then you would make signs that read: "Beware of Beeps".

These very bad people would design this virus because of their pure hatred towards people who don't shower. I think it would just be people who like to camp in the woods, otherwise the virus wouldn't really have an effect - at least not on city dwelling folk.

Don't confuse me with beeps; I don't have anything against people who don't shower. I don't even shower myself! How could I? I'm in space, and if I remove this helmet bad things happen. But the actual beeps would have something against people who don't shower and who traipse around in the woods and they wouldn't want them touching trees and spreading their body odor all over them.

The beeps would probably shower a lot.

Scissor Conspiracy

What if scissors didn't really cut things?

What if instead they merely created an allusion of cutting that tricks the human Earthly brain to believe that the paper has separated, but in reality the paper is still in tact! Then humans go through the motions of throwing away, or recycling, or burning what they believe is discarded paper - yet every single bit of it is an illusion. There isn't even a fire in your fireplace you just want to believe it, you obsessed pyromaniac, that you light match after match and burn nothing! Nothing! Think of all the times it has been so difficult to get that fire started! That is because your brain wants to understand and reveal the truth to you, but you are so asinine and stubborn that you refuse to see what is right in front of your face; so you keep trying to get that fire going until ultimately your brain gives up on your peapod consciousness and allows you to believe in the fictitious, superficial reality of your pathetic existence.

Sure in the past it has allowed humans to survive, as in days of yore when we had hair growing out of every crevasse and we gathered around fire pits, but we are talking evolution people and you don't need to believe in fake fire anymore!

I just realized... it's the scissors with magical counterparts that makes the paper invisible. Ever wonder what happened to the magic of Hobbit's, or King Lancelot? It was all transferred into the scissors! And who accomplished this seemingly impossible feat - the grim reaper! He was getting bored shoving his mightily heavy pitchfork through the beating hearts of simpletons; now he's laughing at all the fools cutting paper of immense magnitudes and wading through it in their homes without even knowing it.

Eventually, without the ability to separate and discard paper, the paper will take over this planet. It will suffocate each and every one of you! Why do you think I came out to space? To avoid the scissor conspiracy of course; to avoid suffocating to death by invisible paper!!!