Scissor Conspiracy

What if scissors didn't really cut things?

What if instead they merely created an allusion of cutting that tricks the human Earthly brain to believe that the paper has separated, but in reality the paper is still in tact! Then humans go through the motions of throwing away, or recycling, or burning what they believe is discarded paper - yet every single bit of it is an illusion. There isn't even a fire in your fireplace you just want to believe it, you obsessed pyromaniac, that you light match after match and burn nothing! Nothing! Think of all the times it has been so difficult to get that fire started! That is because your brain wants to understand and reveal the truth to you, but you are so asinine and stubborn that you refuse to see what is right in front of your face; so you keep trying to get that fire going until ultimately your brain gives up on your peapod consciousness and allows you to believe in the fictitious, superficial reality of your pathetic existence.

Sure in the past it has allowed humans to survive, as in days of yore when we had hair growing out of every crevasse and we gathered around fire pits, but we are talking evolution people and you don't need to believe in fake fire anymore!

I just realized... it's the scissors with magical counterparts that makes the paper invisible. Ever wonder what happened to the magic of Hobbit's, or King Lancelot? It was all transferred into the scissors! And who accomplished this seemingly impossible feat - the grim reaper! He was getting bored shoving his mightily heavy pitchfork through the beating hearts of simpletons; now he's laughing at all the fools cutting paper of immense magnitudes and wading through it in their homes without even knowing it.

Eventually, without the ability to separate and discard paper, the paper will take over this planet. It will suffocate each and every one of you! Why do you think I came out to space? To avoid the scissor conspiracy of course; to avoid suffocating to death by invisible paper!!!

Clowning Around

What if a very popular person convinced everyone in the world to try a bit of a special drink that was secretly a vat of acid, causing every person to have a permanent clown smile - think the Joker from Batman, Jack Nicholson version.

Scars cause skin to pull and stretch in phenomenally awkward ways, such as would be the case with a smile upon drinking a scaring, searing, acid drink that would immediately disturb the flow of facial gravity.

People would be unable to stop themselves from drinking for a few reasons: 1) the popular person would be very convincing, and likely would have a clown smile themselves, thus making the whole procedure either highly amusing or highly terrifying 2) the curiosity of the episode would make each single person want to find out if they themselves would be scared, or just maybe they are the one solitary human that is immune to the scaring properties of the acid.

This popular person would travel a lot; this would go without saying since I already said that this person made every single man, woman and child drink acid, so the acid drink would have to be in a protective container with a lid, it's probably in a sippy cup. That would further the ease of distributing the drink because sippy cups are usually associated with toddlers, hence one would assume the drink would be safe despite seeing the person prior being forever scarred, not to mention hearing the shrieks of their furious, laborious struggle with the acid. You'd think that vision only would make one want to desist from drinking, but no, you will go ahead and drink and thus permanently scar yourself with a clown smile, and all the while I will watch via my super high powered telescope thinking how you humans have settled your own demise.

I won't think in the begining that every single person will drink that drink, but low and behold, you will prove me wrong and every single one of you will.