Asteroid Hairball

What if all the hair that is removed off of the human body by various procedures and methods was somehow all gathered together in one magic place; like a giant hair ball.

What if when the hair was swept down the drain, it did its thing traveling through all the interweaving pipes in the sewer system until it was grabbed by a super secret magnet that a very intelligent person had the foresight to place there, and then began to form a ball; like a rubberband ball it started with one strand of hair but as more and more strands got swept down the drain it became huger and huger, until we reach present day, and now... it is seriously huge.

It's not perfectly round at present though because engineers and architects keep building parts of their stuff underground, so its hampered a bit in the growing process and must conform to the space it has. However, the hairball is springy and will mold to the particular shape it is allowed until it regains full freedom and then it will go back to being round.

So, how will it go back to being round you ask, if its caught underground? Well that same genius who had the foresight to hide the special hair magnet in the sewer drain also had the foresight to rig a giant hair-grenade to launch that bad boy into space during the time after humans learn to live in space but prior to the apocalypse. The rig is remote controlled with a special timer; like I said the dude is a genius.

Then, all humans can go live on the hair ball in space after they have killed the earth. Moral of the futuristic postulation: Don't be green or you'll miss your opportunity to live on a giant hair ball in space - or - you'll be suffocated by the giant hair ball because there is only so much room underground.

Mind Altered Humans

What if crop circles were iterations of my thoughts? I know that on some 20/20 show or something, a couple years back or so, some farmer said that he created them with a lawn mower, but you humans say things all the time that aren't true.

Or, if you'd rather believe some old fat farmer, rather than me - the awesome and prominent lone Space Mountain Man, then consider whether or not I didn't possess that fat farmer to ride about his lawn mower in an artistic fashion.

A few months back I was orbiting very near a hot sun, of a planet you Earthlings haven't discovered yet, and there was no shade on this darned mountain that I could go to escape the searing heat which was building upon my body and soul and sweltering inside my helmet. And as I've mentioned before I'm all alone out here, so no little girl scouts selling lemonade either, to quench the mounting thirst induced by severe heat stroke.

I kept hallucinating that a giant whirlpool fan was cascading through space, orbiting around my very home of a mountain. It looked exactly like this!

Case and point number 2: I'm trying to code a new game for you visitors to play when you come read my postulations. It should be quite fun, similar to that old arcade game asteroids.... but get this: Instead of shooting asteroids, you will attempting to mimic my everyday real life by not shooting the asteroids, but the raccoons which gleefully ride upon them, laughing at me with their rabid eyes and blood stained teeth, and demonic predispositions.

While trying to make this game, I keep seeing this image of a pixelated robotron in my minds eye, that looks exactly like this crop circle. This robotron drives my inspiration as I think of all the old arcade games I played before I left that silly ball of Earth.

I've snapped these photos as proof, using my super high powered telescope, and isn't it a coincidence that I am always orbiting above their direct location?

Lastly, and if you don't believe me now I hope you never serve jury duty because you are a fool! I mean what, seriously, what do you think? The cylons do it? You think they have time for this? No, it's work best left for the humans.

I've been obsessing about why you humans believe that stars are shaped with 5 points and the sun is a big circle with swiggly lines extending from it at exact points. You must know absolutely nothing whatsoever about the space continuum, or a space vacuum, or me for that matter - the awesome and prominent Space Mountain Man, and so shame on you!! In any event, after dwelling on this matter, this crop circle appeared in the UK.

It really makes you think, doesn't it?

Have a Seat

What if humans had chairs attached to their backs so that no matter where you were, you would have a convenient and comfortable place to sit! In fact, you could each choose a chair according to personal style and preference. Now, if you were smart you'd choose a massage chair, specifically a shiatsu chair, and if you were fat or bulky you'd be able to get away with a nice plush love seat for two, but let's be honest that love seat would probably only fit that one really fat person.

Imagine sitting in this baby all day long! Maybe some people might be really into recliners, so not only would they have a chair attached to their back, but an automatic ottoman too!

Now, let's get real... humans would have to seriously get in shape or evolve, one of the two, for this to come to pass. I mean, most humans have back problems as it is without lugging around a chair. Admit it! I see you through my fancy high powered telescope and the truth is, most of you have a hard time carrying a solitary grocery bag into your house from your car. I'm not referring to myself of course, because I hike around my space mountain packing my super ultra awesome space gun, and shoot fiercely crazy rabid raccoons, but we are talking about you earth humans and not me, so if you were to adopt this idea then you would need to make some drastic changes.

Why not? If earth humans continue degrading themselves and exercise nothing but laziness, this could work as incentive for the unmotivated. And really with all this talk about stimulating the economy, this could be the ultimate in restoring America. I can see it now: A Chair for Every Person!" Who wouldn't go for that? I'd sign an 1,100 page congressional bill if it was all about affixing a permanent chair to my back like a set of wings. You lazy people should love that, here's the motto: "Why fly, when you can sit!"

It would be so awesome. The chair would fold into your back like wings, and then you would press a button on your inner wrist like Spiderman, and like spidey webs out pops your chair, and fun times ensue.

But then what happens?... regulation. Earth humans must maintain a certain physical regime in order to get a chair. Admit it! In your current state you couldn't lug this around. It wouldn't be good for the economy, or otherwise, for people to get a chair affixed to their backs and then plop over dead. Talk about bad for business and frivolous lawsuits: people don't bother to prepare themselves for the shock of carrying around several extra hundred pounds and then ruin it for the rest of us! I think I speak for everyone when I say, "Screw the person who dies and I don't get my chair because of it, just because they were number 235 at the front of the line unprepared, and I got stuck with the lottery number 1,000,000, 234." Right?

Think about the price of cars. They would plummet without the added cost of chairs! Oh yes! This would really be a plan to boost the economy!

Space Mountain Man for President!