Dencher Decay

Don't think that space somehow makes me immune to the complications of tooth decay.

I postulated recently the possibility that humans could lose the ability to care for teeth. Since contemplating the demise of the practice of dentistry, I have had a difficult time pondering anything else.

Even though humans capacity for caring for teeth would be obliterated, humans would still need teeth... obviously to chew and eat. Because dentists could no longer practice taking care of teeth-that does not thereby mean simultaneously that those humans can also no longer eat.

So then, a mad dash for all the existing denchers would ensue. It would be like when someone dies in prison and all the prisoners become rabid and delirious and struggle and fight for the remains off the dead body. Like that, but for things that help people chew food.

I've said before that I'm alone up here, and that's the way I want it. But on occasion, I'll confess that periodically I've abducted dentists and hypnotize them to perform my bi-annual cleaning and polishing procedures. It's tricky because of the helmet and the breathing and the
atmosphere and the lack of oxygen. But if I don't, how else will I ensure that my teeth stay healthy and strong enough to tear the sweet flesh off the raccoons I shoot with my wicked awesome space gun? Those raccoons are savage and require a strong set of enamel! They fly around on their tiny asteroids and taunt me... laughing and hissing alternately.

Beware of Beeps

What if very bad people that hate campers came up with a virus that made humans allergic to wood. It wouldn't be deadly, just make them uncomfortable enough that they wouldn't want to come into contact with wood because it would make them very sick, or depressed, or gassy or something of that nature, and the cure would be something simple like taking a shower, but not a shower in anything other than a house shower. The cure wouldn't be obvious, so people would go to a doctor and the doctor would simply recommend a shower, but due to their skepticism they wouldn't believe and continue to suffer.

You would come up with a name for them like Beeps, b for bears and eep for peep and then s for plural, because these people would be attacking other people like hungry bears, not the people who got the virus, the people who distribute the virus. Then you would make signs that read: "Beware of Beeps".

These very bad people would design this virus because of their pure hatred towards people who don't shower. I think it would just be people who like to camp in the woods, otherwise the virus wouldn't really have an effect - at least not on city dwelling folk.

Don't confuse me with beeps; I don't have anything against people who don't shower. I don't even shower myself! How could I? I'm in space, and if I remove this helmet bad things happen. But the actual beeps would have something against people who don't shower and who traipse around in the woods and they wouldn't want them touching trees and spreading their body odor all over them.

The beeps would probably shower a lot.

Scissor Conspiracy

What if scissors didn't really cut things?

What if instead they merely created an allusion of cutting that tricks the human Earthly brain to believe that the paper has separated, but in reality the paper is still in tact! Then humans go through the motions of throwing away, or recycling, or burning what they believe is discarded paper - yet every single bit of it is an illusion. There isn't even a fire in your fireplace you just want to believe it, you obsessed pyromaniac, that you light match after match and burn nothing! Nothing! Think of all the times it has been so difficult to get that fire started! That is because your brain wants to understand and reveal the truth to you, but you are so asinine and stubborn that you refuse to see what is right in front of your face; so you keep trying to get that fire going until ultimately your brain gives up on your peapod consciousness and allows you to believe in the fictitious, superficial reality of your pathetic existence.

Sure in the past it has allowed humans to survive, as in days of yore when we had hair growing out of every crevasse and we gathered around fire pits, but we are talking evolution people and you don't need to believe in fake fire anymore!

I just realized... it's the scissors with magical counterparts that makes the paper invisible. Ever wonder what happened to the magic of Hobbit's, or King Lancelot? It was all transferred into the scissors! And who accomplished this seemingly impossible feat - the grim reaper! He was getting bored shoving his mightily heavy pitchfork through the beating hearts of simpletons; now he's laughing at all the fools cutting paper of immense magnitudes and wading through it in their homes without even knowing it.

Eventually, without the ability to separate and discard paper, the paper will take over this planet. It will suffocate each and every one of you! Why do you think I came out to space? To avoid the scissor conspiracy of course; to avoid suffocating to death by invisible paper!!!

Clowning Around

What if a very popular person convinced everyone in the world to try a bit of a special drink that was secretly a vat of acid, causing every person to have a permanent clown smile - think the Joker from Batman, Jack Nicholson version.

Scars cause skin to pull and stretch in phenomenally awkward ways, such as would be the case with a smile upon drinking a scaring, searing, acid drink that would immediately disturb the flow of facial gravity.

People would be unable to stop themselves from drinking for a few reasons: 1) the popular person would be very convincing, and likely would have a clown smile themselves, thus making the whole procedure either highly amusing or highly terrifying 2) the curiosity of the episode would make each single person want to find out if they themselves would be scared, or just maybe they are the one solitary human that is immune to the scaring properties of the acid.

This popular person would travel a lot; this would go without saying since I already said that this person made every single man, woman and child drink acid, so the acid drink would have to be in a protective container with a lid, it's probably in a sippy cup. That would further the ease of distributing the drink because sippy cups are usually associated with toddlers, hence one would assume the drink would be safe despite seeing the person prior being forever scarred, not to mention hearing the shrieks of their furious, laborious struggle with the acid. You'd think that vision only would make one want to desist from drinking, but no, you will go ahead and drink and thus permanently scar yourself with a clown smile, and all the while I will watch via my super high powered telescope thinking how you humans have settled your own demise.

I won't think in the begining that every single person will drink that drink, but low and behold, you will prove me wrong and every single one of you will.

Roundabout

What if humans could no longer spin in circles? I'm talking no more hula hoop. No more tag. No more maps on globes. No more roundabouts that you humans love to drive around for some insane reason; you really look stupid up here in space from my super high powered fancy telescope driving around those. And no more cheesecake, because that involves pouring and spreading in circles. From this we learn that this dilemma wouldn't only be limited to the circles that are completed by the legs and feet, but all circles - every facet of circle would be eliminated, so circles in general would translate to no circles period. Floss: None. Shoes: None, because your foot goes into a circle before going into the shoe itself. Sports: Over. Wheels: Especially Not. Light bulbs: Probably. Pizza: Turns into a square.

And what else is round that you humans obsess over? Life..., or Earth you might call it. Perhaps that would also mean that eventually the earth would cease to be. It's like that old adage: If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?, but instead it would be: If Humans are so stupid that they forgot how to interpret what a circle is, does the Earth no longer exist? You should hope that that giant hairball launches into space before you forget what a circle is.

More importantly though, before the Earth ceases, the cessation of fists would evaporate first. Think about not being able to clench your fist... just thinking about the denial of that possibility is a gut wrenching realization because that indicates a dimishment of fighting prowess. I wonder if that would affect me in space? If it did, that would damper my enjoyment of eating the salty flesh off my prized raccoons. Lacking the ability to close my fingers around their pesky throats and denying them the pleasure of hissing at me through clenched rabid teeth would torment the possession of my waking entity.

Asteroid Hairball

What if all the hair that is removed off of the human body by various procedures and methods was somehow all gathered together in one magic place; like a giant hair ball.

What if when the hair was swept down the drain, it did its thing traveling through all the interweaving pipes in the sewer system until it was grabbed by a super secret magnet that a very intelligent person had the foresight to place there, and then began to form a ball; like a rubberband ball it started with one strand of hair but as more and more strands got swept down the drain it became huger and huger, until we reach present day, and now... it is seriously huge.

It's not perfectly round at present though because engineers and architects keep building parts of their stuff underground, so its hampered a bit in the growing process and must conform to the space it has. However, the hairball is springy and will mold to the particular shape it is allowed until it regains full freedom and then it will go back to being round.

So, how will it go back to being round you ask, if its caught underground? Well that same genius who had the foresight to hide the special hair magnet in the sewer drain also had the foresight to rig a giant hair-grenade to launch that bad boy into space during the time after humans learn to live in space but prior to the apocalypse. The rig is remote controlled with a special timer; like I said the dude is a genius.

Then, all humans can go live on the hair ball in space after they have killed the earth. Moral of the futuristic postulation: Don't be green or you'll miss your opportunity to live on a giant hair ball in space - or - you'll be suffocated by the giant hair ball because there is only so much room underground.

Mind Altered Humans

What if crop circles were iterations of my thoughts? I know that on some 20/20 show or something, a couple years back or so, some farmer said that he created them with a lawn mower, but you humans say things all the time that aren't true.

Or, if you'd rather believe some old fat farmer, rather than me - the awesome and prominent lone Space Mountain Man, then consider whether or not I didn't possess that fat farmer to ride about his lawn mower in an artistic fashion.

A few months back I was orbiting very near a hot sun, of a planet you Earthlings haven't discovered yet, and there was no shade on this darned mountain that I could go to escape the searing heat which was building upon my body and soul and sweltering inside my helmet. And as I've mentioned before I'm all alone out here, so no little girl scouts selling lemonade either, to quench the mounting thirst induced by severe heat stroke.

I kept hallucinating that a giant whirlpool fan was cascading through space, orbiting around my very home of a mountain. It looked exactly like this!

Case and point number 2: I'm trying to code a new game for you visitors to play when you come read my postulations. It should be quite fun, similar to that old arcade game asteroids.... but get this: Instead of shooting asteroids, you will attempting to mimic my everyday real life by not shooting the asteroids, but the raccoons which gleefully ride upon them, laughing at me with their rabid eyes and blood stained teeth, and demonic predispositions.

While trying to make this game, I keep seeing this image of a pixelated robotron in my minds eye, that looks exactly like this crop circle. This robotron drives my inspiration as I think of all the old arcade games I played before I left that silly ball of Earth.

I've snapped these photos as proof, using my super high powered telescope, and isn't it a coincidence that I am always orbiting above their direct location?

Lastly, and if you don't believe me now I hope you never serve jury duty because you are a fool! I mean what, seriously, what do you think? The cylons do it? You think they have time for this? No, it's work best left for the humans.

I've been obsessing about why you humans believe that stars are shaped with 5 points and the sun is a big circle with swiggly lines extending from it at exact points. You must know absolutely nothing whatsoever about the space continuum, or a space vacuum, or me for that matter - the awesome and prominent Space Mountain Man, and so shame on you!! In any event, after dwelling on this matter, this crop circle appeared in the UK.

It really makes you think, doesn't it?

Have a Seat

What if humans had chairs attached to their backs so that no matter where you were, you would have a convenient and comfortable place to sit! In fact, you could each choose a chair according to personal style and preference. Now, if you were smart you'd choose a massage chair, specifically a shiatsu chair, and if you were fat or bulky you'd be able to get away with a nice plush love seat for two, but let's be honest that love seat would probably only fit that one really fat person.

Imagine sitting in this baby all day long! Maybe some people might be really into recliners, so not only would they have a chair attached to their back, but an automatic ottoman too!

Now, let's get real... humans would have to seriously get in shape or evolve, one of the two, for this to come to pass. I mean, most humans have back problems as it is without lugging around a chair. Admit it! I see you through my fancy high powered telescope and the truth is, most of you have a hard time carrying a solitary grocery bag into your house from your car. I'm not referring to myself of course, because I hike around my space mountain packing my super ultra awesome space gun, and shoot fiercely crazy rabid raccoons, but we are talking about you earth humans and not me, so if you were to adopt this idea then you would need to make some drastic changes.

Why not? If earth humans continue degrading themselves and exercise nothing but laziness, this could work as incentive for the unmotivated. And really with all this talk about stimulating the economy, this could be the ultimate in restoring America. I can see it now: A Chair for Every Person!" Who wouldn't go for that? I'd sign an 1,100 page congressional bill if it was all about affixing a permanent chair to my back like a set of wings. You lazy people should love that, here's the motto: "Why fly, when you can sit!"

It would be so awesome. The chair would fold into your back like wings, and then you would press a button on your inner wrist like Spiderman, and like spidey webs out pops your chair, and fun times ensue.

But then what happens?... regulation. Earth humans must maintain a certain physical regime in order to get a chair. Admit it! In your current state you couldn't lug this around. It wouldn't be good for the economy, or otherwise, for people to get a chair affixed to their backs and then plop over dead. Talk about bad for business and frivolous lawsuits: people don't bother to prepare themselves for the shock of carrying around several extra hundred pounds and then ruin it for the rest of us! I think I speak for everyone when I say, "Screw the person who dies and I don't get my chair because of it, just because they were number 235 at the front of the line unprepared, and I got stuck with the lottery number 1,000,000, 234." Right?

Think about the price of cars. They would plummet without the added cost of chairs! Oh yes! This would really be a plan to boost the economy!

Space Mountain Man for President!

A Brief Introduction

I'm a complicated space guy.

And why not? Why not a space raccoon hunting, raccoon hat wearing, raccoon eating Space Mountain Man? I see you little tiny humans through my fancy telescopes, and sometimes use NASA images and I read lips, and I read your lips moving and saying things like, "Yeah... sure... a mountain man in space!"

So, here I am - blogging so you know I'm real. Spread the word. I'm going to blow your mind with my philosophical postulations.

That's right, a Space Mountain Man that vaporizes space air into water through his nostrils via a chemical concoction that my genius space brain determined.

I live on the mountain, maybe it's a futuristic ship shaped like a mountain, maybe it's a full fledged mountain floating in space; you'll never know because I'm all alone out here, and that's how I like it, but one thing is for sure and that is, this mountain, whatever it is, has no gravity. It just aimlessly floats around in space.

And I walk around this mountain, day after day, and you probably think it's aimless but you don't know me.

Like I said I'm all alone, until a flock of flying space raccoons enters my zone. Then I must defend my mountain from the rabid raccoons. How did they get here? Maybe you should be asking, 'Actually how did they get to Earth?'

So, why not indeed? I ask you: Why not a Space Mountain Man? Why wouldn't I flap around my arms and legs crawling upon a space mountain? Why wouldn't I dream of the taste of sweet raccoon flesh and anticipate when the next flock will enter my piece of the universe? I hope the next time I will remember to dial down the force of my space gun so that the raccoon won't be blasted off the screaming asteroid as it threatens to crash into my space mountain, but instead remain on the asteroid after I shoot it, so that I may scramble to eat it before it grows cold from death.

Oh! Will I ever successfully shoot and eat a space raccoon or will I forever crave their sweet meaty beef hidden under all that fur. The space air makes me so hungry!